Why I Febreezed the Dog, From the Perspective of My Once-Current Girlfriend

I febreezed the dog.

What?

It’s just that

The odor

Smell her

It’s too much to bear

All she does is bask on the patio

In the sun

And get all stinky

What’s a girl to do?

 

I tried to close the patio doors but

Chihuahuas love the heat, you see

She’d just cry and cry

Scratching at the French doors

You know how hot it is

In Mexico.

Remember Cancun?

The bottom part of the blinds is ruined.

I don’t rent, you know.

I had to Febreeze her.

I’m sorry.

 

Here’s the thing:

She won’t shower

I’ve tried twice already

I’m at wits end.

This dog

She can’t do stuff

She doesn’t even know where the Febreeze is

Trust me, I’ve asked

She just basks on the patio

In the sun

And gets all stinky

Not a word of apology from that one

I think she likes it

 

You see, I bathe her

In the shower

But she must enter

After I’ve washed my own hair

And only when I wash my hair

Twice weekly

If she accompanied me at any other time

My hair would get wet

You know how it is…

Lately she’s been

Let’s say

Hesitant

Plus, I’m out of dog shampoo

Where’s my grocery list?

No, you can’t use human shampoo

That’s just silly.

 

The whole affair

Washing the Chihuahua

Usually takes about 30 minutes

After which she darts around the condo

While I condition, rinse, and dry myself,

Before I towel her off.

Sometimes I hold her like a baby.

Sometimes.

 

Where is she now?

Dog?

Oh, dog?

There she is!

Of course

The patio

Where else

She looks like an alley cat

Such a homely little thing

I must Febreeze her.

 

Say, you’re a little musty yourself…

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© 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 by TK Devine. Proudly created with Wix.com
This license is courtesy of TK Devine, who is a working writer, storyteller, producer, and social experimenter in Los Angeles. TK Devine is admittedly a partial pseudonym, but who's checking? Maybe you are. Maybe you're one of those serial fact-checkers, hell-bent on exposing partial pseudonymed blogs for who they really are. Get a hobby, man. Volunteer. Make a difference that actually matters. Anyway, enough about you. TK Devine is not a fake person. He's a real person, with thoughts, feelings, and a pretty awesome beard. TK Devine is a writer in Los Angeles. Hollywood. Where TK Devine makes films and gives talks as a guest speaker or featured speaker or keynote speaker but never a car stereo speaker. Never. You may know of TK Devine through The Tiny (Toilet) Home Project. You may know of TK Devine via The Office Hobo. You may know of TK Devine through The Road Less Traveled and American Dreamers, repped by the Creative Artists Agency (CAA). You may know of TK Devine from Downsize Czars or Downsize Me. Heck, you may know of TK Devine through getting yelled at by a guy in a truck after you cut him off on the I-405 North through the Sepulveda Pass. Who knows where you know TK Devine. But you do know TK Devine. You know him well. Almost too well.

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